Life, The Beginning

Remember when ?

Remember when I said…..I’m his mum, I can fix it?

Ummm, nope !

After a couple of good years with son number 1, I thought it was a change in tide and that gave me a hope that we were going to be ok. That’s when the decision to have another bub.

Don’t get me wrong……he loved his little brother and still does. He was never jealous of him, but he also knew I was occupied. I never dropped the ball on what was happening but anyone with a teenage son knows you don’t always know what they are up to when out of sight. And he knew it.

He started experimenting with drugs and was out of control, or should I say uncontrollable. He was never really either, but this was different and it was frightening. Total disrespect for me, the home and everyone else. He was wagging school more and more.

It was at 16 the realisation hit me…..I can’t change what’s happening, it’s out of my control……..I can’t fix it!!!!

After years of Drs, specialists, medication, school councillors, welfare teachers, travelling wherever I needed to to get him the help he needed…….. Being his biggest advocate, as all parents should be, I was incapable as his mum to make it alright and fix it.

This was a mind numbing experience for me…..I still don’t think anyone knows the impact that had on me.

Things went from bad to worse…..remember I had a toddler in the house, who by now was frightened of his brother. Number 1 son was so volatile…….he’s broken his hand a few times from hitting inanimate objects, he yelled, screamed at me…..the language was unacceptable around his brother. Total disrespect for all adults, well those that didn’t agree with him. It all came to a head and I had to make a decision that didn’t come easily……..he had to move out.

He didn’t speak to me for a while. Imagine, that little boy that I had poured so much of myself into felt like he was list from me forever. I had gone into survival mode……he may have been out of sight, but never out of my mind.

We started talking and it seemed like my tough love was getting through. Time has proven that to be so…….it’s still 3 steps forward and 6 back at times. But it is better.

He has been living back with me for 12 months. Back under medical care and medication.. They are the 3 steps forward.

Do I agree with everything just to keep the peace? Absolutely not……but I don’t engage when the moody side hits, and it still does.

i think, I hope he understands why I did what I did and what I hoped for him to gain from it. As a parent there is no right or wrong……at times you have to run on instinct. That’s what I did. I do know that get gas a better understanding now how his behaviour and attitude affects others. When the mood swings are at their worst, he keeps to himself or submerges his thoughts into the one activity that soothes his mind. Music.

I am very proud of how far he has come in the past few years, I do have to say, there is still room for some improvement, but proud none the less.

🌙⭐️💛

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