depression, The Beginning

Self inflicted demise

As mentioned in my last posts, when it came to men…….DDB (deaf, dumb and blind). More like dumb and dumber at times.

I am a giver, a pleaser….what ever you want to call it.

I also wanted to feel safe, cared for, wanted, desirable, needed and loved. Wait, isn’t that what we all want? Yes it is……everyone’s needs are exactly the same, it’s how we as individuals chose to fulfill them that makes us different and unique.

Ive never been addicted to a drug, but from what I’m told, it makes you feel all of those things. But it makes you ‘think’ you’re safe……that everyone cares about you, they want you in their life, you ‘think’ you’re desirable, that people need you like this and that they ‘love’ you, when in fact you’re not lovable at all.

I use that paragraph above for those of us that pick selfish, less than respectful men. You see these men make us women feel all of the above. Unfortunately the weak ones, myself included, believe it…….then they turn it around and you start to believe that too.

I think Disney, TV and books have a lot to answer for. When I was young my dream man went to work, went to work in a suit (notice they were 2 different requests) respected me, we’re happy to be around me, to share my life and be proud to have me in his.

Again, isn’t this everyone’s wish for their partners? Well maybe not the suit thing……that was just a strange personal idea. Just for the record, none of the men in my life have worn a suit to work. This is quite possibly where I went wrong πŸ˜‚πŸ‘”.

Talk is cheap. You meet, they say all the right things to hook you in……again, normal……right? They even do the right things, wow how did I get so lucky to meet this person?

Now would be a good time to point out this is not an anti male story. I am the first to tell you, there are some truly wonderful men out there. I’m also very lucky to have some within my circle. I treasure them, they are honest with me, trust me and have taught me to trust within myself. These days I feel very loved by all my male friends……. Oh, and their wives lol.

So the men that I chose? As I said……they did and said all the right things………until I opened up and showed what a giver I was. That’s when they would take advantage of my emotions, my home, my bank account……..and you’ve got it I LET THEM !!!!!!!

Why? Because they were still there, saying the right thing and making me doubt the taking they were also doing.

I had children to these men, I’d always wanted to be a mum…..so in my mind they were giving me what I wanted, because they loved and cared about me. Mmmmmm……oh boy was I gullible.

i don’t regret my children in anyway, I just regret the men that helped create them…..again, no one to blame but myself.

My need to please cost me my self respect, friends, trouble with in my family, my last relationship nearly cost me my two oldest children because I spent too many years denying there was a problem. Ultimately it cost me financially, physically, mentally…….it broke me. I thought I was strong and unbreakable……

WOW…..what a fool I was. No one is unbreakable, we all have a limit. Mine was a slow demise and realisation that the situation wasn’t going to change unless I changed it.

So a complete mental, physical and emotional breakdown will help that realisation too.

All those years I was terrified of being alone and ending up lonely, I was prepared to be taken advantage of, let down, disrespected, used, and what I now understand as emotionally abused. But I wasn’t alone, I had someone in my life. Someone for this giver and pleaser to give too………but takers just bleed you dry in so many ways. Then when you are at your lowest……they point out that no one will want you because you’re so screwed up!!!!!

With a lot of love, support and understanding from my family, my friends and my shrink I found the strength to finally be honest with myself and own the fact that I didn’t deserve to be treated like that. I allowed it, but I didn’t deserve it.

So with that new found strength I kicked his arse out. He says he never saw it coming……oh it was coming, he just thought he was driving the bus. He never thought I’d do it. Well surprise, surprise…..I found out what I needed…..and it wasn’t him.

I am still learning about me, my wants, my needs, my family, my friends and of course with all this strength around me, I don’t need one single man in my life to make me whole. I am complete as I am.

It has taken me 50 years to say that.

We all want to love and be loved. Love shouldn’t hurt, love shouldn’t isolate but most of all love should never turn you into something or someone you are not.

Now, where is MY suit ?

πŸŒ™β­οΈπŸ’›

For you Michael H.

 

 

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